Wandering

“Control freak?  Oh yes, that’s me.  I’m here.

What’s up next?  Of course, we’re going here, doing this.  The game plan is set, any potential hazards and delays anticipated.”

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Control ruled my life.  If I could control circumstances, if I could dictate the flow, I would feel safe and I could finally be happy.  As you know, that’s a lie I told myself.  I chased that unattainable control and perfection for thirty-three years until I found myself empty, depressed and looking for love in a wine bottle.  March 23, 2015 I gave up control and gained what I had been looking for all along.  Like Dorothy discovering she didn’t need a Wizard to get home, I found peace and love, being at rest in God’s arms.  He had been there all along, waiting for me to give up trying to do it my way.

I started following instead of trying to lead.  I jumped on a guided safari instead of trying to beat a path out in an overgrown jungle.  The only catch is that I have zero idea where this safari is going.  I know I got on the elephant’s back, but where he’s taking me, I have to trust that He knows the best way and that the destination is far better than one I could have planned myself.

At least once a week, someone asks me what I’m doing, usually followed by an indirect question about how I’m making money with this blog.  Understandably, Americans define themselves by the work they do.  “Hi, my name is Ryan, I’m a Realtor.”  “I’m Kevin, I’m an architect.”  Problem is, I don’t know where the elephant is taking me, which means there is no quick label for my current profession.  I’m a bunch of odd jobs with no clear or specific trajectory, other than the fact that food is usually involved.  “Hi, I’m Joanie, this week I travelled to a rice farm, ate my way through San Francisco, took my kid to preschool, entertained my kiddos, took pictures of food for a restaurant and wrote a few freelance articles.”   Some of it paid money, some of it cost me money. But, ultimately, every step was on the path the Lord has set for me and I’m following wherever He takes me.  He hasn’t led me astray yet, and so far, His adventures are much wilder and better than any I could have dreamed up.

I’m living on the edge of only God knows what.

“Not all who wander are lost.” JRR Tolkien